the perks of facebook

One of my friends posted a status today (one of those copy and paste things) about how everyone on her friends list is there on purpose, that she CHOSE to put them there, because she wants them in her life. Well, it got me thinking about my friendships on FB, and it's somewhat complex.

There are people on my FB friends list who I added so that I would be able to contact them more quickly. There are people I added out of a sense of obligation or b/c they were the friend of a friend. (Oh, Cousin Sally's best friend? Well, I guess I have to...she's practically family. *sigh*) TONS and TONS I added to build my house in Sorority Life (yes, because I am THAT addicted.) Some people came from random meetings in other internet ventures (craigslist springs immediately to mind.) And, I'll be brutally honest, some people were folks from my past that I added for sheer, morbid curiosity.

However, out of every single one of these groups, I have found at least one person whom I communicate with regularly and consider a good friend, a real influence upon me, and a valuable asset in my life. I may not tell these people that I feel that way so much, for fear of making THEM uncomfortable and ME feeling like a doofus in the meantime....but I feel reasonably certain that I can mention Kate, Alicia, and Andrea. There are a whole lot of you out there...but to be honest, I'm kind of shy. Of these people, I've only met two of them a collect total of 3 times ...but I enjoy talking to them, and I feel like I can go to them with issues and discuss them with the mix of seriousness and humor I need.

There are other people I truly consider a 'friend'. One friend doles out wisdom on a regular basis. I've known her for years and never knew she was so smart! There are a couple of people that I never talked to in HS (we were in totally different social circles) that I talk to pretty regularly now.  There's a member of my ex-husband's family on here (which is just awesome...I love that it's gotten to that healthy a point now.)  There are people that I used to go to church with years and years ago that I've missed and I'm getting to revisit those friendships - all because of Facebook! Family that live all over the country that never get to see my kids, and I never get to see them/their kids...but we get to see pictures and video instantly!

And tons of other examples....like the lady who seeded this blog, Mrs. E.  I 'met' her through her son, Don, who I 'met' online years ago, and we've enjoyed the same warped sense of humor ever since. I've watched the two of them struggle with personal/family issues and make a commitment to get healthy. The greatest thing of all is, I never would have had the opportunity to 'meet' or talk to Mrs. E, or many of the friends I have now, were it not for this cool little tool called Facebook.

posted so I can link to my mother's FB

Wednesday, April 04, 2007 

a recent conversation with my mother Current mood:  giggly Haley - Dont even fuss at me about watching your show if youre not gonna even turn on the TV. I aint stopping you. Mom- So hand me the TV Opener! Haley - (confused look) The what? Mom - The TV Opener? Haley - What the hell is a TV Opener? I dont think the TV is designed to be opened, mom. Mom - Oh yeah? Well, what would you call it?? Haley - THE REMOTE!!!! Mom - You dont even know. yes, people, that is a real conversation. I couldnt make that crap up. And you people wonder where I get it from!! Mommy...I love you!!! p.s. no, noone was drinking and there were no drugs involved. We're just stupid like that.

taking a stab at poetry

I wrote this in February of 2007. I've always been kinda fond of it, and here it is. Lemme know what you think.

I'm the girl that dances and sings in the grocery store while pushing her cart and shopping for canned peas.
I'm the girl that laughs inappropriately.
I'm the girl that just can't fight the giggles sometimes.
I'm the girl that will only tease you if she loves you.
I'm the girl that cries over some commercials.
I'm the girl that will never like the way she looks.
I'm the girl that believes that love never ends, it just changes.
I'm the girl that tries too hard to be your friend sometimes.
I'm the girl that just can't help it.
I'm the girl that doesn't just march to the beat of a different drummer, she boogies down.
I'm the girl that would do absolutely anything for someone she cares about.
I'm the girl that loves surprises.
I'm the girl that's trying to learn patience.
I'm the girl that's like biting on tinfoil sometimes.
I'm the girl that doesn't mean to be that way.
I'm the girl you probably don't notice in a crowd.
I'm the girl thats the most unique of anyone you know.
I'm the girl who would meet her man at the door wearing a bathrobe and a smile.
I'm the girl that thinks fart jokes are funny.
I'm the girl that can't stand to hear about children that hurt.
I'm the girl that will drive you crazy and make you like it.
I'm the girl that always throws her spare change in the salvation army buckets.
I'm the girl that buys girl scout cookies then gives them away.
I'm the girl your mom warned you about.
I'm the girl your mom wanted you to marry.
I'm the girl that swears way too much.
I'm the girl that laughs too loud.
I'm the girl that has way too much fun.
I'm the girl that acknowledges her insanity.
I'm the girl that wishes she were more.
I'm the girl that wishes she were better.
I'm the girl that wishes she were cuter.
I'm the girl that wishes she were smarter.
I'm the girl that's learning to be content with what she is.
I'm the girl that is tougher than shoe leather.
I'm the girl that is more delicate than spun glass.
I'm the girl who never stops daydreaming about a guy winning her a prize at the fair.
I'm the girl who tries not to be disappointed when every year, it doesn't happen.
I'm the girl who will laugh at you for being a dumbass only because she's been where you are.
I'm the girl who appreciates a good joke, especially when it's on me.
I'm the girl who has a poetic soul, but is embarassed to let it out.
I'm the girl who has something to say.
I'm the girl that should just keep it quiet.
I'm the girl that wants to be everything to someone special.
I'm the girl that fears that will never happen.
I'm the girl that watches Dumbo and cries.
I'm the girl who thinks that pop stars are obnoxious.
I'm the girl who secretly wishes she looked like them.
I'm the girl who will keep you entertained.
I'm the girl that will keep you guessing.
I'm the girl that's wild and free.
I'm the girl that wants domesticity more than anything.
I'm the girl who values photographs over anything.
I'm the girl who never got over her little-girl daydream about Prince Charming.
I'm the girl who calls herself a princess.
I'm the girl who feels like a pretender to the throne.
I'm the girl who is always up to something naughty.
I'm the girl who is always thinking up ways to make someone smile.
I'm the girl that wants to please people.
I'm the girl that frequently disappoints people.
I'm the girl who had her heart broken.
I'm the girl who never got over it.
I'm the girl that is thankful that it happened.
I'm the girl that wouldn't change a thing.
I'm the girl that wishes it were different.
I'm the girl that loves with all she has within.
I'm the girl that stands behind her self-made walls and cries out for someone to break them down.
I'm the girl who is worth the time.
I'm the girl people walk on by.
I'm the girl who always has a good time.
I'm the girl who always has a joke.
I'm the girl that thinks wrestling is funny.
I'm the girl that doesn't care what you think.
I'm the girl that cares what you think more than anything.
I'm the girl who wants to rebel.
I'm the girl who wants to fit in.
I'm the girl that's secretly shy.
I'm the girl that makes up for it by being flamboyant.
I'm the girl that cried the day Mr. Rogers died.
I'm the girl that was born to be a mommy.
I'm the girl that was born to be a wife.
I'm the girl that was born to be loved.
I'm the girl that never gives up hope.
I'm the girl that's lived to tell the tale.
I'm the girl that is a better woman for it.
I'm the girl with the mood swings.
I'm the girl that tries so hard.
I'm the girl who can make you laugh.
I'm the girl who can make you cry.
I'm the girl who just wants to be held.
I'm the girl who just wants to feel wanted.
I'm the girl who remembers what day it is, even if she pretends she doesn't.
I'm the girl who prays that you do, too.
I'm the girl that will be your rock.
I'm the girl that will be your safe harbor.
I'm the girl that will shelter you as much as possible.
I'm the girl that hurts when you hurt.
I'm the girl that still wants to play hide and seek around the house.
I'm the girl who will giggle herself silly if you chase her.
I'm the girl that loves without condition.
I'm the girl that wants a Lloyd Dobler, Johnny Castle and Jack Ryan rolled into one.
I'm the girl that still doodles her name in a heart from time to time.
I'm the girl that honestly doesn't care what you drive.
I'm the girl that is a lesson in contradictions.
I'm the girl that wants to be predictable.
I'm the girl that hates being predictable.
I'm the girl that's easy to love.
I'm the girl that's hard to love.
I'm the girl that could be everything you want.
I'm the girl who deserves a chance.
I'm the girl who just might be it.
I'm the girl.
I'm just a girl.

hfw 21907

"seeking balance to the polar opposites in all of us"

Originally written and posted September 5, 2008 and posted via my MySpace blog...


I'm sure that most of you have heard the Meredith Brooks song "Bitch" where she says "Im a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother..." I've always identified with that song and the multifacetedness of my personality. I've never felt, ever, that I was a simple person. Sure, there are simple things about me... give me a coke, a 75 degree fall afternoon and Dizzle playing in the yard and Im a happy girl... but I'm much, much more complex than that. And for some reason yesterday while Andy and I were playing together (is there ever a time when I'm NOT doing something with Andy) this blog came to me - mostly formed. I let him keep playing while I jotted down ideas as they came to me, and to be honest, they were coming so fast, I can barely read my own notes. The comparison to the Meredith Brooks song only came as I sat down this morning, though... I guess when I really sit down and think it over, this is my own lengthy, non-singable version of 'Bitch.'

Here was my original idea for starting the blog, which I still think is pretty good, so Im still gonna throw it out there.

A year and a half ago, I wrote a poem called "I'm The Girl" which pretty much describes me as I see myself. It was and is pretty accurate and honest and raw, while being rather funny, if I do say so myself. Honestly, that poem hit me while I was pushing the buggy around the grocery store with Andy, trying desperately to keep him entertained while trying to find peas. I found them, came home, and wrote that in about 20 minutes. I haven't done much poetry writing since.... any actually. But I liked that, and liked how honest I was with myself and about myself. Its in this blog... February of 2007.

Now, though, a new introspection is needed. Its time to take a good, hard look at myself again. I look at myself frequently, and believe it or not, I'm alwaystryingto improve. Whether or not I succeed is another story. But I try. I remember my dad telling me when I was very young that driving a car was all about making constant little adjustments. That even when you were going straight, that you constantly had to be on the lookout to make little changes in your course so that you don't run off the road. I try to look at my life like that, at my behaviors and patterns like that. I screw up a lot. A LOT. But I try.

Anyway, thats a long intro to what I'm getting at. Shrek told Donkey that an ogre has layers... but we all do. I think we all have polar opposite aspects to our personality. How many people have you known that were shy, meek and quiet at work... but when you got them out socially, they were completely different? Or the opposite was true? Or how about guys you have known with little man syndrome (a Napoleonic Complex)? Total jerks who couldn't back it up, and knew it...and privately were insecure, frightened, and bullied?

Here's the way I feel about myself.

I'm a soccer mom (as of less than two weeks from now), and extremely proud of it. Its a lifelong dream come true. I adore my son more than anything else on earth. But sometimes I wonder if I don't wrap my motherhood around me like an invisibility cloak to hide my many, many,MANYflaws. I look at him sometimes and wonder when Im going to wake up and look at him and say "whose kid is this?" He holds my hand with his soft, dimpled, trusting hand and I fall in love all over again.

I'm tougher than nails and weak as a newborn kitten at the same time. I am, at the same time, a carefree child, a reckless teenager, a stabilizing twenty-something, and a wizened old woman. Spread among all of those is a healthy dose of fear, especially of the unknown.

There is a part of me that is a bitter, jaded divorcee who was burned beyond recognition by her marriage. The other part of me refuses to give up hope, clinging to an ever-shrinking and fraying thread that there may be someone out there for me, as imperfect and flawed as I am. It does no good to try to convince me that its true - I'm going to have to see it to believe it. I think the hopeful part is going to win out in the end, although the jaded divorcee rears her head after every failed date, asking "why do I keep trying?" When I ask that, the voice of my best friend pops in my head and answers very matter-of-factly - "Because you're a hopeless romantic who can't give up on the thought of love." I have no idea where the balance or resolution will come from to this one...thats a time-will-tell kind of thing. I keep throwing up my hands and giving up, and then the hopeful girl in me goes right out and tries it again. Its an endless cycle - maybe one day Ill figure it out or get it right - one or the other.

So, where is balance to all of this? *IS* there balance to be found? Or do we just do the best we can and deal with the different parts of our personality rearing up as they tend to do as it happens?

I don't know. If I had all the answers, I'd be smart. Obviously, I'm not.

Too damn deep for a Friday morning.

digging for MySpace gold...

I used to blog on my MySpace quite a bit. Today, while looking for something specific, I plowed through and read quite a bit of those old blogs. To my surprise, there's actually some pretty good writing in there! I thought I might share it with you.

Allow me to preface these: This was another time in my life - at least two years ago. My life from then to now is unrecognizable...and I am not editing or censoring myself. This is what I thought, felt, and believed at that time - right, wrong, or otherwise. I'll include the date.

Enjoy!

advertising one's Pros and Cons

I have come to the conclusion, after apparently discovering that I am a walking, talking surprise, that everyone should pin a list of thier pros and cons to the front of thier shirt. This list should never be removed, so that everyone we meet can see this list and size up from what they see/read whether or not they want to be around you or not. And, due to the fact that it's my idea, I'll go first.

Just an FYI, I am NOT a layout genius...so this may be really pretty rough. Sorry about that, if it is.

( a * notes a attribute that could be either a pro OR a con, depending upon your outlook.)

PROS:

• very funny
• extremely devoted mother
• playful*
• enjoys yardwork
• experimental in kitchen*
• prone to settle into routine
• adaptable to stay home or go out*
• nearly always able to see both sides of an argument*
• creative
• bookworm*
• most often able to look on the bright side
• has bursts of unrivaled cleanliness
• at the point where a job must be done and no one else will do it, I'm your girl
• insanely tenacious, particularly when it comes to my children*
• highly interested in psychology, particularly abnormal psychology*
• very self-aware

CONS:

• slob
• very prone to laziness
• moody, especially susceptible to depression
• unschooled in proper etiquette
• sense of humor tends to be frat-boy-esque*
• intolerant of mouth/chewing noises to the point of near violence
• musical snob*
• has never maintained a full-time job for over 2 years
• life-long dream has been to be a stay-at-home-mother*
• quotes random movies/lyrics at random times*
• wishy-washy
• fickle/prone to "moods" in terms of likes/dislikes
• fascinated by true crime stories*
• terrible money manager
• hyper-critical, specifically of self
• intolerant of stupidity in others, especially when it is asinine and correctible stupidity*
• has a tendency towards being self-centered
• refuses to roll over and allow herself to be rail-roaded.* (This becomes especially prevalent about stupid things.)
• frequently unable to communicate exactly what she means, although the attempt is made through extreme effort
• extremely verbose and wordy
• prone to inappropriate joking
• lacking in self-control
• frequently lost in remembrances
• very, very easily lonely, even if surrounded by people.
• suggestible, especially in terms of self-image and confidence levels.

There. That's about all I can come up with right now. But it should be a pretty good idea of me.

So, wanna be friends now?

status triggers looong blog. Sorry.

I'm a facebook junkie. The first step to fixing a problem is admitting you have it, right? Anyway, one of my friends posted her status the other night, and it got up under my skin in ways I can't imagine. First, let me disclaimer this with a few things.

1) I love this person to pieces. This is ABSOLUTELY nothing against her personally...it just hurt my feelings and stuck in my craw. If I had wanted to call her out, I would have, but I didn't b/c I love her and know where her head was at. Which leads to #2...

2) She had no intention of hurting anyone, she was just expressing her own joy. I'm glad for her, truly.

3) I'm just a mite hyper-sensitive to this subject, and I accept that. I know it, and I really hate it about myself. But it's true.

She posted (and this is paraphrasing) that she "just got home from Bible Study, and it was wonderful!" (here's what needled at me.) "You don't need a shrink when you have God to turn to for all of the answers!"

Wow, I wish I could have expressed then (or now) how that hit me, how that cut me.

See, I've struggled with emotional issues for years and years. When I was a teenager in church, I remember being told to pray about it, that God held all the answers. At that time, I took it completely, 100% literally. I felt like if I prayed hard enough, was a good enough Christian, did exactly what the Bible told me to, etc...I wouldn't feel the ways I felt anymore. There were exhilirating, unspeakable highs followed by paralyzing, equally unspeakable lows. I remember a suicide occuring in the church family, and being completely confused about that person, who was as model a Christian as could be. This person followed all the rules, got right with God frequently...why? What happened? Didn't he pray enough? What went wrong? He loved God, I know he did. How could this have happened? More importantly, what happens to him NOW? Does suicide send you to hell? (For the record, I recieved both answers.)

This person and I were not close, at all. We had a passing-in-the-aisle speaking acquaintance, but his death affected me deeply at a time when I was most impressionable, emotionally. I don't speak of it often, but I think of him quite a bit. I'll never forget him, and even if the rest of the world has let his memory fade...he, in his death, shaped my life.

As a young adult (as many churches do), the church seemed less interested in keeping my attention and attendance. So, during that awkward spiritual time of the late-teens and early twenties, I attended sporadically. I also had even more intense emotional struggles. It began to occur to me that perhaps this wasn't normal teenage angst and confusion, perhaps I needed help. But I'm supposed to just pray about it, right? God holds all the answers, right?

I spiraled deeper and deeper. I found my own rock bottom in my mid-twenties; at a place where my most cherished relationships were either in ashes or damaged to the point that they're still scarred. I was left with very, very little (including family) in an extremely unhealthy place. I still pay for the choices I made under the influence of an unchecked brain disorder every day of my life. Finally, I rejected the idea that praying to God would solve everything, and I sought outside help. It was the best decision I could have possibly made for myself.

I felt better, but guilty at the same time. What is a Christian doing seeing a doctor, taking medications? It has taken years to dig myself out of the black place I found myself. And it took me a long while to reconcile myself to the one major point I want to make here. I won't get into specifics...partly because many of you know them, and partly because they're irrelevant.

My point is this; As a Christian, I believe in the power of prayer. I believe in God, that he holds the answers. I also believe that the human body screws up on us left, right, and center, and the brain is no different. God gave the doctors the talents, skills, and knowledge to treat a HOST of medical disorders, and mental health issues/brain disorders are absolutely included in that.

If I had found myself with serious issues with my thyroid, I could have gone directly to the doctor, had surgery, taken medications, done whatever the doctor said, and found myself fearless of persecution by my church family and fellow Christians. I would have been bathed in prayer, (and gratefully!) but no one in the church would have frowned upon me seeking the help of a medical professional for medical problems.

However, when I sought help for my problems that stemmed from a chemistry imbalance in my brain that needed correction, I have felt (and still feel) the stigma attached to that, particularly by Christians. I have been encouraged to stop talking about it, to shut up, to keep it to myself. I have been told that "that's just something you shouldn't talk about." I feel shy about what has happened. I feel afraid to let people know that I have struggled with this issue for years. Yet I find it ironic that it's almost chic to discuss cancer survival, and support the stamping out of it. (I, too, support cancer research. See my blog about cord blood donation.) They're both disorders, both ruin lives of the person with the disorder AND the family members...yet one is swept under the rug. Why? Why is one socially acceptable to have but not the other? Why would you be willing to bring a casserole to a family who had a family member that was diagnosed with some sort of physical illness (say, a lung issue that would be re-occurring), but not to a family who had had a member diagnosed with bipolar disorder or schizoaffective disorder? Even depression?

I said all of that to say this; Stigma has the ability to kill - even when it's not an intentional stigmatizing. The shame people feel about the WAY they are feeling can prevent them from seeking help, leading to disastrous results. Some people need *more* than a prayer group can give them for thier emotional issues, just as they might need more than prayers when they are dealing with diabetes or anything else. The two, God and medicine, can work hand-in-hand, and do not have to be mutually exclusive.